Zombie Interview, Take 21:

INTERVIEWER: So are you getting pretty excited about Halloween?
ZOMBIE: Nah. It’s always a letdown.
INTERVIEWER: Really? How so?
ZOMBIE: I don’t know, I look out, I see all these zombies stumbling along the street and I think, ‘Hey! These are my people right here!’ So I shuffle out there and it’s always the same—a bunch of twelve-year-olds in pancake makeup and dirty hair.”
INTERVIEWER: Oh. Well…
ZOMBIE: I mean pancake makeup! It’s so insulting.

Zombie Interview, Take 13:

ZOMBIE: I think I have something in my eye. Can you check it out for me?
INTERVIEWER: Sure. Hmmm… yeah, there is something in there.
ZOMBIE: I thought so. What is it?
INTERVIEWER: It’s… it’s a piece of another eyeball.
ZOMBIE: Man, I have GOT to start wearing a face shield.

Zombie Interview, Take 41:

ZOMBIE: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer!…
INTERVIEWER: Oh Lord.
ZOMBIE: … Take one down, pass it around, break it in half, stab a guy in the neck…
INTERVIEWER: I don’t think…
ZOMBIE: … Laugh in his face, bite off his nose, try to get his eyeball out…
INTERVIEWER: Can you stop now?
ZOMBIE: … ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!

Zombie Interview, Take 26:

INTERVIEWER: So what do you do in your free time?
ZOMBIE: I really enjoy bungee jumping.
INTERVIEWER: Oh yeah? I wouldn’t have thought you were big into extreme sports.
ZOMBIE: Oh, I don’t actually jump—I just hang out at the bottom with my fingers crossed. Sometimes those things break. Free lunch, you know?
INTERVIEWER: Sure.

Zombie Interview, Take 84:

INTERVIEWER: So how long have you been a zombie?
ZOMBIE: A what?
INTERVIEWER: A zombie. You’re a zombie, right? How long have you been “in the club”, so to speak?
ZOMBIE: Yeah, you might want to check your notes again there, buddy. I’m not a zombie, I’m a vampire.
INTERVIEWER: A vampire.
ZOMBIE: A vampire, yes. See the fangs?
INTERVIEWER: You… you don’t actually have any teeth.
ZOMBIE: And I’m so pale, see how pale I am?
INTERVIEWER: Right, that’s because you’re undead.
ZOMBIE: I’m going to lay out by the pool later, see if I can get a little color.
INTERVIEWER: But vampires can’t…
ZOMBIE: Just a little base, you know, for wearing shorts.
INTERVIEWER: So you can look good in the mirror?
ZOMBIE: Exactly.

Zombie Interview, Take 4:

INTERVIEWER: So you’ve been a zombie for a while now, yeah?
ZOMBIE: Yeah. Wow, it really HAS been a while. I’d say the better part of… what century is this again?
INTERVIEWER: It’s the twenty-first century.
ZOMBIE: So yeah, the better part of five weeks.

Zombie Interview, Take 16:

ZOMBIE: I really miss my dog.
INTERVIEWER: Aw. What kind of dog did you have?
ZOMBIE: I don’t know. A lab mix, maybe? He was a really good dog, really tender and delicious.
INTERVIEWER: Sure. Sure he was.

Zombie Interview, Take 61:

INTERVIEWER: Hey, what’s your favorite TV show?
ZOMBIE: I actually don’t watch a lot of TV.
INTERVIEWER: No?
ZOMBIE: I find it rots the brain.
INTERVIEWER: So you’ve taken a stand.
ZOMBIE: Toward deliciousness.
INTERVIEWER: Sure.

Zombie Interview, Take 35:

INTERVIEWER: What’s your favorite fruit?
ZOMBIE: Oooh, that’s easy: fingers.
INTERVIEWER: Yeah, fingers aren’t fruit.
ZOMBIE: Shut up. What are they then, vegetables?

Zombie Interview, Take 18:

ZOMBIE: I could really go for a panini right now.
INTERVIEWER: Ooh, a panini does sound good. A little turkey, a little mayo…
ZOMBIE: A little blood, a couple of toes…
INTERVIEWER: Some… lettuce? No, nevermind.

Zombie Interview, Take 33:

INTERVIEWER: Ha, you know what’s funny about you zombies?
ZOMBIE: WHAT.
INTERVIEWER: I mean, like, you know. “Funny”. Like, interesting.
ZOMBIE: Oh, “interesting”? “Interesting” like the fact that we sink our teeth into living human bodies, tearing still pulsating flesh from bone and potentially corrupting your entire species?
INTERVIEWER: Wow. No. I was gonna say… nevermind.

Zombie Interview, Take 28:

ZOMBIE: Hey.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ZOMBIE: You ever see “Romancing the Stone?”
INTERVIEWER: Yeah. Michael Douglas? Yeah, I’ve seen it.
ZOMBIE: You know that part where Jack and Joan walk into that jungle town? Looking for a car or a phone? And Juan The Bell Maker ends up driving them out of town in Pepe, his little mule?
INTERVIEWER: Wow. Yeah. I do remember that.
ZOMBIE: My uncle worked on the production crew for that scene.
INTERVIEWER: Shut up, he did not.
ZOMBIE: Fine, whatever. But he did EAT the production crew for that scene.
INTERVIEWER: Well. Okay.

Zombie Interview, Take 30:

ZOMBIE: A lot of people don’t know this about me but I used to play in my high school band.
INTERVIEWER: Really? What instrument did you play?
ZOMBIE: The chainsaw.

Zombie Interview, Take 36:

ZOMBIE: Man, I’ve got a really bad taste in my mouth.
INTERVIEWER: Oh yeah?
ZOMBIE: Yeah. Like when you eat a bad pistachio? Kind of like that.
INTERVIEWER: What did you eat that was bad?
ZOMBIE: Some emo kid.
INTERVIEWER: Ew.
ZOMBIE: Yeah. The poetry notebook should have tipped me off.

Zombie Interview, Take 39:

ZOMBIE: Let’s play “I Spy”.
INTERVIEWER: Okay.
ZOMBIE: I spy with my little eye… something delicious.
INTERVIEWER: Should I start running now?
ZOMBIE: That’s up to you.

Zombie Interview, Take 49

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is the most annoying thing about being a zombie?
ZOMBIE: That’s easy. Helmets.
INTERVIEWER: Helmets?
ZOMBIE: Yeah. Helmets. You got a guy cornered, right, but he’s running off a football field and when you get him on the ground, you’ve got a big stupid helmet to deal with. And I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but I’m not real good with my hands.
INTERVIEWER: Wow. I hadn’t thought of that.
ZOMBIE: It’s a problem. It’s like trying to crack through a crab shell made of fiberglass.
INTERVIEWER: So all the athletes, hockey players, bikers…
ZOMBIE: Oh, bike helmets aren’t that bad.
INTERVIEWER: Really?
ZOMBIE: No. Bike helmets are smaller. They can be helpful, actually. They’re kind of like little bowls.